Stay Mama! Easing separation anxiety.

Oh the drama of baby and toddler goodbyes… when you’re off to work in the morning or stepping out with your husband for date night. You’re rushing to a meeting, but your toddler’s clinging to you and wailing. I’ve been there. You’re stressed and guilty then you break down and break good parenting rules — I’ll bring you a toy when I get back (bribery) or I‘ll be back in an hour (lying) or sneak out the door (deceit). It doesn’t have to be this way. It shouldn’t!

Some kids are temperamentally inclined to separation anxiety. Some are better at handling it. Experts agree that wherever your child falls in the spectrum, the following are definite no-nos: Do not sneak out. Do not resort to bribing. Do not show them your anxiety, even if it is also hard for you leave them.

But what can we do to ease the anguish? I surveyed a few wise moms I know and asked them how they handle their goodbyes. See what approach can also work for you.

Involve your child

Faye’s 2-year-old daughter Casey helps her mom get ready for the office. “I let her choose my accessories, get my shoes and sweep the final strokes of powder on my face. Sometimes she dabs on my lip gloss. She loves to play dress mama up for work!”

This works because Casey doesn’t feel left out while getting used to the idea that her mom is about to leave. Young kids feel special when they’re given a little responsibility. Toddlers and preschoolers also hate surprises. Give them ample lead time to know when you are about to go.

Set up a happy distraction

When Gina leaves her 3-year old son Matti, this is the same time he and his babysitter also step out to walk the dog. “It’s one of his favorite times of the day, so it sort of eclipses the fact that Mommy’s off to work too. He just loves showing off the dog in the park!”

This works because Gina has made a happy ritual out of their morning goodbye sessions. she’s off to work, he’s off to the job of taking care of the family dog.

Don’t get into the drama

Remember, goodbyes are dramatic because most toddlers and preschoolers are still easily swept by their emotions. This also makes it easy for them to get over it. You may leave your child still wailing, but in 5 minutes he’s likely to calm down — his attention already focused on his toys or the story his nanny is reading to him.

In the midst of the crying or pleas of mama stay!, I just give my kids a tight hug and kiss, reassure them: “I’ll miss you too, but I’ll be back in a few hours. In a few minutes it’s your chance to watch Backyardigans! Goodbyes are hard for us moms and dads too, but I try to keep them short and sweet. No use to extending the agony.

While you’re gone… give them a call.

I admit, I maybe doing this for myself more than for them. While I’m away, I just want to know they’re alright and having fun. Less guilt and more reassurance for me. And you know what? Every time I call, they happen to be fine and into something other than missing their mama!

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