Tell me mommy… I need to know!

Oh, precocious kids with their questions. Remember when we first brought up the sex question and the curiosity about death? Well, preschoolers are making more sense of their world and can set you off the loop with even more tricky questions. Don’t get tongue-tied. We have more tough questions from kids and experts tell us how to answer them.

When my son was two, he asked: “Why is the sky so big?” Hmmm… do I reply with science or do I get into my first existential conversation with him? I settled for a bit of both, but it really got me thinking. When my child throws me a tough question, how specific should I get? How honest should I be? What if I confuse him even more? Suddenly I had more questions than my son.

So, I turned to the pros. Here, child experts give advice us on what — and what not — to say in answer to 3 tough questions kids can ask.

Your 4-year-old asks, Why do they say Uncle John is gay?

Deborah Rothman wrote the book Sex and Sensibility: The Thinking Parent’s Guide to Talking About Sex. She suggests you first clarify what a couple is. Give examples like you and your husband, an aunt and uncle your child knows are married. Explain that couples love each other in a special way. They love each other’s company so much that they live together or get married like mom and dad. Then explain how there are cases when couples are made up of two men or two women. Since Uncle John has a boyfriend, not a girlfriend, then he is gay. In case Uncle John is single, say he prefers that his special someone would be a man like himself, not a woman.

Kids will often take this simple, factual answer. Tell your child that they may hear the word “gay” used negatively and that it is nasty to use the word that way. Use this as a teaching moment to explain tolerance and acceptance of different kinds of people.

Your 5-year-old asks, Why is Jason’s house bigger and nicer than ours?

This question reflects an unintended form of peer pressure and a child’s wish to be more like his friend or for you to be more like his parents. Joe Sibayan, curriculum coordinator of Keys Grade School advises against using statements like “they are richer” or “we are poorer” or “because we can’t afford it.” This can make a child feel even more deprived, maybe even skew his sense of values towards materialism or stir up envy.

Assure your child you have enough resources to care for the family, but emphasize that being rich in love and happiness is more important than material wealth. Here’s how teacher Joe would put it:

“Grown-ups decide to do different things with their money. Jason’s parents decided to spend a lot of money on making their house nice and big. We decided to spend it on other things, like that nice trip we took last year and saving money for your school. How did you feel when you saw Sandro’s house was so big and nice? I hope you felt happy for him, because that’s how we should feel when we see other people have nice things.”

Your 3-year-old asks, Why is f@_k! a bad word?

Emphasize to your child that words in themselves are not bad, but the intention behind saying them can be the problem, says teacher Joe. If your child is reprimanded for blurting out an expletive and asks shy those words are bad, here’s how he would explain it:

You know that you can touch in different ways, right? There’s a touch that’s loving, like when you hug or shake hands. There’s a touch that hurts, like when hands are used to hit someone. It’s the same when you talk. You can talk in a loving way by using gentle words. But there are words that can hurt. Those words you just said are words that hurt others, so we choose not to say them.”

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