Do you live under the dictatorship of a little child? Learn how to respond when your preschooler thinks she is the boss of you.

Bossiness is inherent to preschoolers. It kicks in, because their vocabulary is growing and they are just now in the process of breaking into the social world with little or no understanding about consideration and respect for other people’s opinions.  And of course, let’s not forget that they’ve been bossed around all their lives by their parents.  Telling people what to do, therefore, has been incorporated into their world view.  Being bossy is normal, natural, part of the way the world works.

But try to picture your child barking orders every five minutes, and you’ll have a future where your little bossypants is either friendless or the class bully. Left uncorrected, in five years’ time, you could be stuck with a teen that’s gotten her way for so long that you are no longer in control of her behavior.

Laying down the law

Bossiness is usually just a phase.  It is often the reflection of a strong-willed personality, and if chanelled properly, can be an asset. This requires careful management.  Here are ways to break the cycle:

Don’t take orders.  When your child makes demands of you, don’t give in just for the sake of peace and quiet.  Remind her to ask nicely, and respond only when her manner is appropriate.

Mind your reaction. Young children love playing to an audience, so don’t encourage her by laughing when she is disrespectful. The life expectancy for other people finding her bossiness “cute” is short-lived.

Pay attention. Observe and spend more time with your child.  Many times, the bossy syndrome is a sign that your child wants more alone time with you.

Investigate.  Find out when your child becomes bossy.  Is it with adults or with children? Does she become bossy with familiar people or even with strangers?  Do people reinforce the behavior by laughing and giving in to her demands instantly?

Teach manners, if you haven’t already.  Remind her constantly to say “please” and “thank you”. Make sure she knows how to wait for her turn and is given many opportunities to learn how to share.

Point out when your child is being bossy so she can catch herself doing it, and offer an alternative.  If she can’t take the alternative, she needs an appropriate consequence.  (“If you can’t let your brother do what he wants with the legos, then you’re going to have to choose something else.”) 

Give your child choices. Over-controlling parents who insist on one way of dressing or are unrelenting in their choice of music will only encourage their child to model this domineering behavior with their peers.  Choices teach her not to be absolute in her opinions and that there is more than one way of doing things.

Limit competition. If your child’s bossiness is a real issue, expose her also to the joys of non-competitive games (try puzzles) and sports.

Specify the non-negotiables.  You need not get into absurd power struggles about what book she wants to read or the kind of juice she wants in her cup.  But when it comes to the car seat, a bike helmet, insect repellent, sunscreen, and other safety measures, let her know that she has no choice in the matter.

Stick to your guns. Even if you are exhausted, you must stand your ground. Your corrections will pay off in the end.  Don’t expect them to change overnight, or even in a year.  But do expect to see progress. 

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