How far should we go in helping our kids settle their conflicts?

She’s ruining my life! My son melodramatically complains about his younger sister. She had accidentally knocked over the LEGO space station he was working on. I don’t like you! Not sharing! are some lines I hear from the girl when she’s not getting something she wants from her big brother.

Most of the time, the siblings enjoy each other’s company. A few times, they’ve shown concern for each other enough to make my heart melt. But even in the best of sibling relationships, rivalry inevitably comes into play.

Experts say, it is crucial to handle this properly because hostile siblings can be just as damaging as bad parents. Yikes! So how do I promote good sibling dynamics between my big boy and my little girl? Read more to see what advice I had gathered.

Children instinctually measure themselves against peers. For instance, it’s not about how fast they run but who got to finish first. They are extra sensitive about how they fare within the family. This is why a cardinal rule among many experts is, avoid comparing. It’s important to establish form the get-go that each person – each sibling – has their own strengths. No one is better than the other, we are just different from each other. Making comparisons can ruin self-esteem for the child who isn’t doing as well. It is also not an effective motivator in the long run.

Mom and dad should model a good relationship to help set the tone for how siblings deal with each other. People don’t always agree, but there are positive ways to deal with differences. It’s okay to show parental discord, just skip the screaming, door slamming and insults. Show them the fine art of compromise and negotiation.

They’re already at it. What do I do?

As much as possible, don’t intervene. The only time to get involved is when there is threat of physical harm or verbal abuse. Frequent interventions can lead to problems. Kids may end up relying on you to solve every challenge – when they should be learning how to figure things out on their own. You risk siding with one child or breaking cardinal rule no. 1 – no comparing. Resentment could build. On the other hand, another child may feel unnecessarily emboldened.

If you have to get involved, consider the following:

If you hear bad language or name-calling, coach your kids to be careful with their words. Without getting into the details of the tiff, just flat out say that you will not tolerate name-calling or harsh language – from anyone. Same goes with hitting. When it comes to young children, you may have to teach them appropriate words to use. Stop, that hurts. I worked hard for that so I’m upset you knocked it over. It was an accident. I didn’t mean to upset you.

Even in instances like this, let them resolve the crisis themselves. Don’t expect this to happen instantly, it will take time for them to process.

If tempers become too hot, consider separating kids until they cool down. They can resolve the conflict later, when strong emotions are out of the way.

Avoid putting too much focus on who’s to blame. Anyone who’s embroiled in a fight, is part of the fight. They’re all responsible for working on a resolution.

When kids work on these conflict resolutions they are learning vital life skills – how to look at other perspectives, how to compromise and negotiate, and how to control their impulses. It may be hard for some of us parents, but this actually involves letting them go. I just tell myself, a little letting-go now can mean I can completely let go later, with more confidence in their life skills.

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