A timely lesson in thankfulness.

“Another Lego?!” My son declares, half-smiling but half-moaning, as he had received the 10th set for his birthday. Everyone knows he obsesses over this toy, so generous aunts, uncles and grandparents gave him a set or two. Mom gave three. Legos keep him quiet for hours so I really like them too! But I digress….

When I heard his “another lego” remark, I had to remind him that hey, this is a good thing young man. You better be grateful. Enter speech on it’s not the gift, but the thought and kindness that come with it. Did it sink in? Experts say, sharing and giving are tough concepts to teach kids below 6 years, but gratitude is something that can be taught quite early. It also takes time to build that innate sense of gratitude, so it’s best to start them young.

Children below age 6 are egocentric. Developmentally, they are still at the “me, myself and I” stage. While giving and sharing are what we usually try to teach them, experts remind us about the equally important value of gratitude. We don’t just have to teach them how to give, but also how to receive graciously.

Thank you are two important words to learn. Even more valuable is meaning those words after receiving the 10th Lego set. I had to remind my son, “You love Legos right? Now you have enough sets to last through the year. We can set some aside and build a new set whenever you finish one.” Then I tease him: “Or we can give some to your friends who also love Legos?” His response: “No mom, that would be crazy!”

I just want him to learn to appreciate what’s been given him – and the effort it took. It may take time and some constant reminding but I’m hopeful. For starters, it hasn’t been two weeks since the Lego extravaganza, and he has opened up all the boxes and has already had countless hours of fun with all ten sets. I tell him this afternoon as he was setting up his power miners, “Isn’t it great you can combine those sets together? The ones from me and the one from grandma?” He says “Yeah it’s cool, my power miner center is the biggest.”

Here’s some advice on teaching kids gratitude from Todd Kashan Ph.D, author of the book Curious? Discover the Missing Ingredient to a Fulfilling Life:

1. Make sure they recognize the benefit they received from another person. (For example, the multiple Lego sets we were talking about.)
2. Associate your child’s precursor to gratitude (like a smile or a big hug) with the benefit they received.
3. Once they associate happiness with a benefit, they’ll begin to exhibit gracious actions like saying thank you.

Harris Interactive surveyed more than a thousand children between ages 8 to 18, and they saw that the grateful ones were also the generous ones. They are happier too. A 2008 UC Davis and Hofstra study linked grateful thinking to better attitudes towards school and family life. Psychologist Ramani Durvasula Ph.D explains, “the research on gratitude shows better health and mental outcomes for persons who are higher in gratitude and that gratitude can be cultivated.”  I think it’s more like gratitude should be cultivated.

At home, we started with gentle reminders to say thank you when the kids could utter the words. We also try to cue them in on what they should be thankful for throughout the day. At night, that comes in the form of a gratitude prayer. Here’s one I had put down in my journal from my son who was just about to turn 4:

Dear God, Thank you for… Mommy [with accompanying cuddle]. School. My classmates and teachers. P’s (his sister’s) classmates and teachers. Markers and paper. Books and food. Spaghetti. C [his best friend]. Me. When I’m Superman and C is Flash and we fight the bad guys… and T [another friend] is Wonder Woman. I ask: That’s all? Don’t forget to say thank you for Daddy and your sister. He agrees: Oh yeah Daddy and P! After some silence… Thank you God for everybody. The world.

I remember him ending this prayer with the biggest, happiest smile on his face. If he can be so wholeheartedly grateful for spaghetti, I’m hopeful the lessons in thankfulness are starting to sink in. And of course, I am grateful too.

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