Encourage her to come out on her own.

When my daughter was 2-years-old, smiling or waving at new people was never a problem. Then just a year later, the outgoing tot turned inward preschooler. At home, she was still as chatty and exuberant as ever. But in public, she turns into clam and I become her shell. She would hide behind me, holding my hand like her life depended on it.  What happened? Could I be doing something wrong to turn my child into a bonafide introvert?

Dr. William Sears, beloved American pediatrician and child advocate has an explanation. He says, “Around age two, many children are spontaneous. They act before they think, especially in social relations. Between two and four years of age, children go through a second phase of stranger anxiety, as they become afraid of people they don’t know.”

Despite the fact that this is a normal developmental phase for some children, parents can’t help but worry – Is my child just shy, or is there a more serious problem?

Dr. Sears says, there is a simple way you can tell. “A shy child with healthy self-worth makes eye-to-eye contact, is polite, and seems happy with herself. She is just quiet. Her behavior is generally good; she is a nice child to be around, and people are comfortable in her presence.”

So since my daughter doesn’t behave like a clam all throughout her day, and is generally open with other people she is familiar with… I have reason to think the shy moments are just some of the things she has to learn to overcome, in time.  Now how do we coax the shy out of our little introverts?

First rule espoused by many experts is, do not label your child shy. You and your quiet one may be at a party and you blurt out to friendly folk who can’t get her to talk “Oh she’s really shy!” This only reinforces her behavior. For some kids, such statements might make them think there is something wrong with them.

Instead, talk to your child about what she does and coach her how to behave. Here’s a script provided by the authors of the book Positive Discipline. “I notice that when people say ‘hello,’ you hide. Do you do that because you think it’s a game, or do you do that because you want them to leave you alone? If you would like them to leave you alone, perhaps you could tell them ‘I don’t feel like answering questions right now.’ ”

Children in the toddler and preschool years still have a lot to learn when it comes to social behavior. Teach them, and in time they will get the hang of it. Now teaching them doesn’t mean putting on the pressure. Forcing them into situations they aren’t ready for, will only make them pull back. For instance, don’t force them to perform in front of other people. This can only make them more anxious!

Keep social interactions at home positive and eventually what she learns there she can apply in the playground or at school. Give your “shy child” opportunities to mix with other kids and adults, but never push her to be an instant social butterfly. Again, this takes time and patience is key.

We should also understand that being the quiet one in a group is not necessarily a bad thing. Most so-called “shy ones”, are just keen observers and listeners – and deep thinkers. They can turn out to be wonderful people whom the boisterous ones could learn a thing or two from.

Come to think of it, my little  girl – at the tender age of three – can surprise me with some of her observations and opinions. So I let her be if she’s not feeling chatty at a party. One day, I’m thinking she can be the life of the dinner table discussion, when she’s good and ready.

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