Face it, some children are more work than others.

You’ve seen them and maybe you’re raising one yourself. They don’t just cry, they shriek. Their meltdowns take forever to end. Sometimes, tantrums erupt for the most inane things – like you ran out of bananas to mix with their cereal. The horror!

And they’re not just your typical active toddlers, they’re bolts of lightning, striking fast and unexpected. Look away for two minutes and they’ve figured out how to open the window from your 10th floor apartment.

This little phenom might be called “wild child” by some exasperated parents. Child experts call them “high-needs” children. Another term has a positive spin: spirited. The spirited child is simply “more” than other children. They are more active, forceful, vulnerable, discerning, or relentless than their peers. They can overwhelm even the most patient parents.  Familiar?  Then read on about the marks of the spirited child.

Experts have identified these traits of  the spirited child:

Intense – When they are in a good mood, they’re smiling, laughing and singing endlessly. They get over-the-moon ecstatic. Jokes will be funny long after the punch line. On the flip side – when sad or upset, tears flow fast and furious. When wound-up or angry, they turn impulsive and end up hitting, kicking, pinching or biting.

Persistent – If they want something they can ask for it non-stop, if allowed. This kind of persistence can be called tenacity when channeled properly and for a good purpose. But in a still immature toddler, it’s stubbornness.

Sensitive – In her book Raising Your Spirited Child, Mary Sheedy Kurcinka notes that some children have a low sensory threshold for noise, lights, temperatures, tastes, smells, even feeling on their skin. A noisy blender can scare them to tears. Tags on clothes can be unbearably itchy, even “painful”.

Perceptive – They notice everything around them, down to the smallest details. This can be a problem when trying to complete tasks since they are distracted by other irrelevant details. As young children, they have yet to learn how to screen out extraneous stimuli and determine which details are more important to attend to.

Rigid – Their cereal can only be mixed with bananas. Their sandwiches can only be cut into squares not triangles. These are just a few quirks that make adults call them picky or demanding. But for many children, it’s simply a need to cling to the familiar for a sense of security.

Energetic – Always on the go, they have a strong need to move. Their busy minds also fuel the action. They are like little adventurers on the quest for the next expedition – maybe it’s climbing your top-most cabinet or ransacking your closet for daddy’s ties… to make a giant cobweb!

Difficult Adaptability – They have a harder time adjusting to new places, people or situations. In school, separating from mommy is excruciating. In parties, they will be slow-to-warm and need extra time and coaxing to mingle with other kids. When he was a toddler, my son refused to enter a party if the music was too loud.

Advanced Limit-Testing Skills – Some kids are especially astute when it comes to testing limits. Their little minds have already figured out how to experiment with ways to break parental resolve. To get what they want, they may try: crying and flailing in the toy store, or a tantrum with hurling and retching, maybe quiet tears welling-up in doe-eyes or rhythmic repetitious chanting.

It’s not personal, it’s just spirit!

Parents and caregivers should not take a young child’s misbehavior personally. They still have much to learn and it is our job to teach them how to behave.

Didi Manahan runs Explorations Preschool, she has two words for dealing with outbursts: stay calm. Adult anxiety, self-doubt, and anger only fuel a child’s meltdowns.

But being calm does not mean giving in. You have to say “no” despite the ear-splitting response. Stand your ground. Some children may actually throw tantrums just to elicit parental reaction – even if the reaction is anger.

Manahan points out: “The child in the throes of a meltdown is a poorly socialized, emotionally immature, adult-dependent two-year old. He is not a manipulative, malicious adult. It becomes our responsibility to use the situation as a teaching moment.”

We must also let them know we understand they may feel anger, hurt or frustration. They just need to learn how to express these feelings properly. Some toddler mantras that help: use your words, gentle hands, gentle voice. Again, stay calm when explaining the lesson of the moment.

Tomorrow, we’ll give you more specific guidelines on how to live with all that spirit. Because, really… spirit can be good!  As it turns out, spirited kids make promising adults. But they do require extra handling and more thoughtful parenting.

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