Talk to me please!

I ask my 5-year-old son how was school today? Do I get a long answer about his latest science investigation? How about a detailed account of the playground drama for the day? Nope. Apparently, getting your child to talk with you entails refining our communication approach.

Dr. Atilla Ceranoglu is a child psychiatrist at Harvard Medical School and an expert in parent-child communication. She emphasizes how important it is to have satisfying conversations with your child — as soon as your child learns to speak. “Talking to children from early on keeps both child and parent attuned to one another. It is solid preparation for the more stormy, tumultuous days of adolescence,” explains Dr. Ceranoglu.

But have you had exchanges like these with your preschooler?

You: How was school?
Child: Fine.

You: How’s your new teacher?
Child: Okay… Can I watch TV now?

Now before you take those stunted responses personally, examine possible reasons. My son can talk to me at length about many of his interests, but I am particularly frustrated about how he holds-off about his school day.

Then I read the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber. Faber made me realize that all kids need downtime after school. All that learning and playground drama can be exhausting. After a grueling day, you just want to kick off your shoes and relax before getting into a discussion about what happened at work. Sometimes, resting from work entails not talking about it too. The same goes for children – some personality types more than others.

Now I spark better conversations with him about school during dinner when he’s rested — and more receptive. I also ask him specific questions — What did you play in outdoors? Who was in your team? Which work area did you choose for today? What book did teacher read to you? What was it about? Our dinner chats have been more interesting lately.

If we want to our kids to tell us more about how their day was, “how was your day?” is actually the question we should avoid. It just begs for a standard one-word answer like “fine” or “okay.” Remember, kids are not little adults. Dr. Ceranoglu offers more advice on how to talk to our little ones:

Do things with your child. Create opportunities to take part in activities your child loves — swimming, playing board games or just hanging out at the park. If your child is still hesitant to talk, be patient. Dr. Ceranoglu says, “Bear the silence. Even if you were fishing for a good half hour in silence, know that there is a lot more being accomplished than if you were chasing your child in words. You are giving your child the strongest message in the loudest way: You are there and will be there when that silence breaks.”

Instead of questions, throw thoughts. Instead of asking, “Did that hurt your feelings?” try saying, “Wow, that would have hurt my feelings.” That gives your child a chance to respond without being put on the defensive. Also, you’ll get more mileage out of simple listening sounds like “hmm” or “huh,” because they reflect an understanding of the child’s concerns better than questions, Ceranoglu says.

Meet them at their level. Dr. Ceranoglu says this is especially important for toddlers and preschoolers. For younger children, it often helps to kneel down to their height and talk or play with them face-to-face. If your child is frustrated trying to communicate something, help him out by naming and acknowledge his feelings: “That is sad! It was your favorite toy.”

Babies need time and from Daddy too.

Babies are typically extra close to mommy. My husband was the first to notice that our days-old newborn would respond to my voice more than anyones else’s. It’s the sound she’d hear most often inside my uterus! Then there’s the breast feeding which truly does seal an almost mystical bond between mother and child.

But what about Daddy? Dads, don’t be afraid. Tiny as she is… she won’t break. So take every chance you can get hold her, take care of some baby duties… and just enjoy that bundle of joy. Mommies already have natural advantages to earn baby’s affections. But dads can step up their baby-game too. We’ll tell you how.

So how do you show your baby the world does not just revolve around mommy? You may not be baby’s personal milk bar, but you can be so much more. Here are our suggestions for some good daddy-and-me-time:

Daddy Cuddles

When mom is breast feeding notice how she cuddles baby close to her chest, as she gazes into her eyes? When you get the chance to bottle-feed, make sure to hold baby in the same position, allowing her to gaze up at you. Smile and make her touch your face.

When baby is upset and crying it’s easy to just hand her to mommy. If you know she’s not hungry, take a shot at calming her yourself. Try singing to her, walking her around, gently rocking, or find the pacifier for her to suck on. She must learn that mommy isn’t the only one who can give her what she needs.

Daddy Fun

You can be the fun and funny guy. Make silly faces that will make your baby glow with a smile. Babies love silly faces. As your baby gets older try fun games like peekaboo.

Are you a music lover? Play your favorite tunes and carry baby while dancing to the beat. Skip the heavy metal rock and blaring volume though. Babies love rhythmic motion and music, so play her your jazz or pop or indie rock tunes for some happy dance time.

Daddy Night Shift

You might be gone the whole day for work so take daddy-diaper duty at night. Take charge of feeding, bathing or getting baby dressed for bed — any night time care required — so you become an important part of the little one’s day too. While mom catches up on extra sleep, you might want to take charge of that extra night feeding or soothing baby when she’s fussy at night.

A consistent bedtime schedule is very important to helping your baby sleep through the night. Choose a part of the routine you want to be involved in — like bath or story time. Yup, even babies can enjoy books if they like the pictures and how you deliver the words. This will help baby understand that when Dad says its bath time or story time, it will be bedtime soon too.

Daddy Nightingale

When your baby gets sick it’s important for you to care for her as well — so take a day off to stay home with baby once in a while. Try to go to baby well checkups, so you can hear from the doctor how she’s developing and growing.

Take Daddy-and-Me Walks

Babies love fresh air and relishing new sights. So take your little bundle for a stroll around the block or to the park. Try using a sling or carrier instead of the stroller. This will keep baby close to you throughout the walk. Just be sure baby is slathered in sunscreen if it’s hot outside and bundled up if it’s a little chilly.

Play Time Just With Dad

Set aside time every day or night just play with your little girl. Make it part of her daily routine, so she looks forward to regular daddy time. Little girls and boys need lots of time and affection from daddy too!

Creative ways to show them how to play give and take.

That’s mine! Give it to me! No, not for her! If you have a toddler you’ve probably heard those lines often enough. Toddlers are notoriously self-centered. Sharing is something they still need to learn. Developmental experts say, the concept of giving really becomes clear at around age 5. But there are some ways to show younger kids basic rules for give and take, paving the way for a good sharing attitude in the future.

Show Them How

Kids learn best from what they see day-to-day. So let your toddler see you in the act of sharing. If you’re eating a sandwich, offer him a bite. Having your favorite smoothie? Offer a sip. You and your husband should often model the art of give and take as well — whether it’s taking turns choosing what movie to watch or sharing space in the bathroom.

Special Things

Even as adults we have certain possessions we are extra careful with — special books or heirloom dishes we inherited from dear grandma that we don’t loan to friends. Well, allow your toddler to have a few special objects too. Perhaps his tattered lovey bear? Maybe the new princess doll she got for her birthday? Don’t force your child to share a few objects that obviously mean a lot. Do make sure that whatever it is, it should be set aside during a play date. All other toys in the playroom are to share, the special things stay in the closet until the other kids leave.

Bring Out The Timer

I have two kids at home who at one time were toddlers together! My best friend for settling power struggles on who gets to play with the hot toy of the moment? Our kitchen timer. It was great for teaching them the basic rule of taking turns — “you play with it for 10 minutes each, when the timer goes off it’s your sister’s turn.”

Give to Charity

Holidays or birthdays are the perfect time to talk to your children about sharing with others less fortunate. Get them involved in giving to a children’s shelter toy collection or a coat drive where your child can donate some of her own toys or clothes that are no longer in use. Or you can have her pick out a few new toys to buy that will be donated to charity.

Role-Play

If your toddler often says no when asked to share, try a little role reversal. Get down on the floor for some playtime then, when your little one asks for something — the yellow block or a turn banging on the toy drums — say no. When he gets upset, talk to him about how he feels and how he wouldn’t want to make his friends feel the same way. Next time you’re at a playdate and he hesitates to share… remind him of that incident.

Praise the Positive

We spend so much time telling our kids to behave, it’s easy to forget to acknowledge them when they do something right – sharing included. Positively reinforce their good behavior. You see your son share his loot of candy with his sister, tell him: “You made your sister happy by giving her some of your candy. I love seeing you sharing with each other.”

Finally, sharing is also honed by practice… so let your child play with other kids. Time at the playground or play date sessions are rife with learning moments to teach them the nuances of give-and-take.

They’re not my kids, should I tell them how to behave?

Disciplining another person’s child is treading on shaky ground. We don’t want to offend a child’s parents, but there are times when we need to step in. Dr. Michelle Borba, author of the book No More Misbehavin’: 38 Difficult Behaviors and How to Stop Them assures us, “it’s not intruding on another parent’s turf when you’re protecting your own child.” However, let’s lay some guidelines for responding to another parent’s misbehaving tyke.

Oh the play date gone bad…. Your 4-year-old daughter’s friend bosses her around during dress-up, grabs all the toys, doesn’t know how to take turns, then refuses to help pack away. Perhaps, the boys who came over pushed around your 5-year old son and played rough? You might be tempted to put the offending child in a time-out or send him home.

Your house, your consequences, right? Well, yes, but restrain yourself — maybe your little guest is just having a bad day. Make your house rules clear (”we take turns, and everyone must pack away after playing”). Try offering a reward (”When you’re done packing away, we’ll have cookies and lemonade”).

If she still won’t play nicely, you might try having the kids play separately for a while and see whether that helps. Steer clear of time-outs unless you’ve gotten the mom’s permission to give one. Even then, save it for more disruptive behavior, such as when a child is throwing toys or being defiant or too rough.

If necessary, ask if she’d like you to call her mother to see whether she has any suggestions – the mere threat might change her behavior. Be up-front about the problems at pickup: “We were having a little trouble with getting along and sharing today.”

Do note that In most cases, a young visitor will want to win your approval. I have hosted many play dates and usually the kids behave if we set some ground rules and offer a gentle reminder when needed.

When someone misbehaves, I talk to them at eye level and treat them with respect. Kids know when they’re being dealt with fairly, and they’ll usually cooperate in return. They also eventually realize, being disruptive can ruin everyone’s fun!

Say hello — and welcome — to that imaginary friend.

My friend Irene has an invisible younger daughter named Turtle. Before you think my friend is crazy, consider the back story. She’s given birth only once — to a very imaginative 3-year-old real-life daughter named Emma. In Emma’s mind she has a younger sister she named Turtle. Turtle goes with them everywhere and she also likes cornflakes and bananas just like her older sister Emma.

Once upon a time, imaginary friends were considered a cause for concern. These days, research tells us quite the opposite. Children with pretend-friends and who can conjure elaborate make believe worlds have a promising future of learning and social development.

Australian researchers say, having an imaginary friend can help a child learn. Psychologist Dr. Evan Kidd of Melbourne’s La Trobe University, says children with imaginary friends are better at learning to communicate than other children because they have a lot of practice at inventing interactions with their friends, which helps them improve their conversational skills.

Dr. Kidd and his colleague Anna Roby explored the hidden world of imaginary companions in a study which involved 44 children, 22 of which had imaginary friends in an attempt to understand the benefits.

The study found that the 22 children who had imaginary friends were better able to get their point across than were children of the same age who did not have an imaginary friend. Dr. Kidd explains, these children are in charge of both sides of the conversation so have a lot of practice at inventing interactions between their imaginary friends and themselves. Firing up their imagination this way is what facilitates the development of their conversational skills.

The researchers also discovered that children with an invisible friend or a personified toy had a better social understanding. These children were generally first born and were very creative.

Dr. Kidd says the phenomenon of the imaginary friend is really misunderstood and people think it is rare and something to worry about. But past studies have shown that around 65% of children aged between three and nine, had imaginary friends. These imaginary characters are not typically conjured out of loneliness or social adjustment problems. Most of the time, imaginary friends appear as an essential component of normal development.

Dr. Kidd has established in his research that the benefits of imaginary companions are long lasting. A study of university students showed that those who recalled having an imaginary companion in childhood were more creative, more achievement oriented, and more emotionally responsive than students who didn’t have one.

Now, there is no need for you to force your child into making up her own fantasy playmate. What studies like this tell us is that pretend play and imagination should be encouraged in order to develop young minds. In the book Nurtureshock, writers Po Bronson and Ashley Merriman featured a preschool program that relied heavily on pretend play. The program produced children that did exceptionally well academically. They were also better-behaved.

My kids don’t have imaginary friends. But I know that while my son is creating scenarios with his Lego blocks and while my daughter is talking to herself while “hanging out with Charlie Bucket in a birthday party”, they are both flexing their brain muscles. So I let them have their fantasies and sometimes even join in! A child’s imagination is a very powerful thing.

Little hands like to get busy, let them!

Notice how your toddler loves to follow what you do? It’s like they don’t want to be left out of cleaning up the house, putting on your make-up or grooming the family dog. Take advantage.

It’s the perfect time to give them some manageable chores. This will help them gain some sense of responsibility and learn good habits. Along the way, you’ll be polishing some thinking and motor skills too. Try out our suggestions for some simple toddler-to-do’s. Be inspired to think of some of your own!

Pack Away

This is the most basic chore you want to establish as a habit — cleaning up after playtime or reading time. Your child will feel you give her importance and value her skills if you let her put the books back in the baskets or the toys in the toy boxes. You can even walk through the house to scavenger for abandoned toys. Make a game out of it. Where’s the doll?” Where should it go? You’ll be surprised your tiny two year old may already know. Give her a chance to figure things out for herself.

Laundry Duty

Clothes are light and easy to pick up, and it takes little effort to put them in their place–whether that’s in a hamper or down a laundry chute. Once you get the dirty clothes to the laundry room, reward your child for good work by letting her assist with the laundry. Make a learning game of sorting clothes by color. Then they can help drop clothes into the washer.

Care For Your Pet

My daughter still loves this and she’s no longer a toddler! Caring for pets teaches them kindness and respect for living creatures. It’s simple too. Just let her fill up the bowl with kibble and pour water into the drinking bowl. My daughter even likes brushing the dog’s hair.

Grocery Helper

After a trip to the grocery, let your little helper put lightweight items in the refrigerator or pantry. Teach and encourage your child to help by talking about what the package contains, fun ways to eat the food, and where the food should be stored.

Mom can make or break Mr. Future Executive.

If you want your child to have self-control and develop good thinking and decision making skills, pay attention to how you interact with him as a baby. Canadian and U.S. researchers say, mom plays a key role in how her child develops executive functioning.
Researchers at the University of Montreal and University of Minnesota found the way a mother interacts with her child affects how the child develops this set of advanced cognitive functions — including mental flexibility and the abilities to remember things and control impulses — integral to the ability to make goals and reach them.

Lead author Annie Bernier of the University of Montreal and a team of researchers observed 80 pairs of middle-income Canadian mothers. They noted observations on how these mothers interacted with their year-old babies while playing and solving simple puzzles.

Researchers found that a certain set of moms had children who performed better at ages 1-and-a-half to 2-years-old on tasks that call for executive functioning skills. What did these moms do right? They answered their babies’ requests for help quickly and accurately; talked about their children’s preferences, thoughts and memories during play; and encouraged successful strategies to help solve difficult problems.

“The study sheds light on the role parents play in helping children develop skills that are important for later school success and social competence,” Bernier said in a statement. Results of the study were recently published in the journal Child Development.

The results make complete sense to me. What better way to teach your baby to think than to ponder memories, make comparisons and connections using their everyday experiences. Even if you just talk about mundane things like a day at the park or the zoo, there’s a lot of neurons being fired up in their growing little minds. Like we’ve talked about before, a little small talk with the small people in our lives can go a long way.

Keep the kids inside, but keep them in shape.

Staying active keeps the immune system in shape too. Just because it’s cold outside, doesn’t mean our kids’ can’t get a good daily workout. There’s a lot of indoor fun to be had that should get their hearts pumping. In our house, a little music can keep the little ones occupied — and active.

It’s more challenging to keep children active indoors, but with some planning and creativity it is possible. We’ve got some suggestions you could try at home.

Kids love playing outdoors. Parents love it too because we know it’s a great way to get them to break out a healthy sweat. So it becomes a problem when cold days or rainy days hit –keeping us stuck inside the house. Now don’t let them languish in the couch watching TV or spend hours playing computer. Here’s our list of indoor activities you can all enjoy:

• A favorite in our own house — turn on some music and dance. Competitive kids might even enjoy a dance off. On another day, have a rock concert. Rocking out gets everyone’s hearts pumping.
• Musical chairs. Preschoolers love this.
• Another game preschoolers love is freeze dance — while the music is playing everyone must dance then freeze position when the music stops.
• Play tag or hide-and-seek
• Blow bubbles and allow your child to chase them, see you can jump the highest or catch a bubble without it popping
• Dust off some old games, like twister!
• Play sports charades
• Have your child participate in household chores with you.
• Jump rope with your kids.
• Participate in a friendly pillow fight
• Get an indoor basketball hoop with a soft ball
• Table tennis
• Mini-trampolines
• Scavenger hunts that include exercises at each stop
• Involve exercises or movements and physical activities in mother may I and Simon says.
• Follow the leader, using movements such as push-ups, jumping jacks, or lunge along using funny hand movements
• If they’re going to play video games, try the ones that require movement. Wii anyone?

Notice that even if it’s not snowing or raining cats and dogs outside, everything can still be enjoyed indoors? Now go take your pick and have some fun!

Help! She’s ruining our house!

Before having kids, my home used to be immaculate. But then they came, and I had to shed some of my obsessive compulsive tendencies. It may seem impossible to keep your house clean with toddlers around.The minute you put away a toy or mop up a spill, another appears. The messiness can get so bad, you might think she’s purposely trying to drive you crazy. But 1-year-olds are simply discovering the world the only way they know how: by getting into everything and producing a lot of clean up work for mom and dad.

Curiosity, the drive to become more independent and the lack of manual skills drives your one-year-old to mishaps. It is precisely because they need to learn these skills that they get into trouble. Messy play may benefit them, but they don’t have to ruin your home and all your possessions. We’ll show you a few tips to tame typical toddler messes.

Toilet Paper Toil

1 and 2-year-olds just love to unravel toilet paper rolls. Rolling it back up can be a pain, but you should know that this messy activity requires a pushing and throwing motion that builds your kid’s fine motor skills and hand-eye coordination.

So what did I do at home? I give my toddlers their own toilet paper roll. My daughter’s is pink as opposed to the white rolls that we don’t want wasted. Make it clear this is the roll to play with and not the ones in the bathroom. Keep it as half a roll so it’s not to difficult to roll back.

Unplanned Wall Murals

Drawing in an upright position practices motor skills that your child can’t work on while in the chair-and-table position. Drawing in any position boosts dexterity, but teachers in my kids’ preschool suggest that the positions should be varied to train a wider scope of muscles.

So how do you let them work on their dexterity and practice creativity on your walls? Forget the expensive easel. Besides, it’s the wall they really want! I simply get inexpensive butcher paper and tape it on their walls. Voila, they can create murals to their hearts’ content. Placed nicely, they actually spruce up their rooms.

Playing With Food

Toddlers just love hands-on experiences. Exploring the varied textures, colors and flavors of food is a big come-on to play. Mashed potato needs to be squished. Jello needs to slip through their fingers. As they are also learning cause and effect, they want to see what happens when they drop that piece of cheese.

Place a large easy-to-clean mat underneath the high chair so you’re not worried about the inevitable mess. If you jump in to clean every time she spills or drops, you’re wasting your energy. This can tempt your toddler to play a game of Let’s see how many times Mom will pick up my cup! To learn to eat on their own, they have to make some mess. However, if more playing is being done as opposed to actual eating, then it’s time to end the meal.

Cabinet Chaos

Cabinets and drawers are places to explore. Kids love to ransack them since there are so many different interesting things inside. Opening up containers and exploring things with their hand is also a great exercise in dexterity and spatial awareness.

In our kitchen, we have one cabinet filled with plastic containers, old utensils and pots and pans they are allowed to explore. Others are off limits, but they know where they can tinker. Change up what’s inside every so often to keep it interesting. Same goes in my home office. There are actually two drawers my crafty toddler daughter loves rummaging through. Old ribbons, pens, paper clips and other knick knacks are in there for her tinkering pleasure.

One important rule is, when they’re done tinkering they have to put everything back into their designated cabinet or drawer. Now that’s cleaning up messes 101 for toddlers themselves!

Teach your preschooler what she can do in case she gets lost.

Records show that a child goes missing every 40 seconds. That’s a scary thought, but the U.S Office of Juvenile Justice reports that on average, only 115 children are kidnapped by strangers every year. Regardless of statistics, losing your child is probably any parent’s worst nightmare.

Getting lost in the mall, the supermarket or giant amusement park are typical scary incidents — both for the young child and the parent. A little “disaster preparedness” can go a long way in preventing the incident from turning scarier than it ought to be. All you have to do is give your child an In Case You Get Lost Plan.

As soon as your preschooler can talk and take simple directions, you can have a talk about what to do in case they get lost. Don’t wait until they are middle schoolers, which is the usual time such safety talks are given. True, most preschoolers don’t play outside or walk around alone, but they should know what to do in the event they are separated from you in public. This can happen. Here’s what to tell them to do, just in case:

Stay put. As soon as they realize they are lost, tell them not to venture further to look for you. Assure them that you will be the one to get back to them. Explain that it will be harder for you to look for them if they go too far.

Don’t call out mommy or daddy. Yup, you read right. Instead of screaming mommy and daddy, tell your child to scream out your real name. Shouting mommy will be harder to distinguish than shouting Susan Smith!

Talk to strangers. Yup, you read right again. Samantha Wilson, former police officer and founder of kidproofusa.com says, “don’t talk to strangers is actually the biggest mistake parents make. Instead, we have to teach kids never to go anywhere with anyone — without asking their parents’ permission first.”

Look for another mommy and ask her for help. If they have called out your name and they still don’t get your attention, tell them to approach another mommy with kids. Older children can be taught to ask a police officer or store clerk for help, but preschoolers may have difficulty distinguishing uniformed personnel. They will have an easier time recognizing another mommy if you tell them to look for a woman with kids in tow. Wilson explains, “statistically, a mother with children is the safest bet for your kid, and women will generally commit more time to helping your child, because men are afraid that if they help they’ll be targeted as a predator.”

One final piece of advice is to give these instructions without scaring your child. Talk to your child calmly, no need to be alarmist. You can even role play and make a game out of it. Have fun with it! Stay safe!