Oh no… can we really handle another one?

My second daughter came to us sooner than expected. My son had not even reached his second birthday… and surprise! …we were pregnant again. Maybe the hormones were also to blame, but while the “good news” made my husband ecstatic it made me cry and panic. Apparently, my reaction is not unusual. If you’re feeling overwhelmed about that new baby on the way, I offer some comforting words.

True, taking care of two versus one is more complicated. There’s a transition phase that will entail some struggle and a few mistakes here and there. But that transition phase will eventually pass.

It hit me the moment I saw my son playing with his sister and her finding joy in being with her big brother. Eventually, I realized I was no longer at my son’s beck and call for entertainment. Now they have their own games and language that mom and dad are not part of… and it melts my heart when I see them relishing each other’s company.

There are fights of course. But what’s great about that is, I let them settle things on their own as much as possible. In the end, they’re better at dealing with other people in general.

Another upside of adding to your family: You’re an expert now, and you can kiss all that constant questioning good-bye. You’ve already raised one baby so you know what’s coming with sleep, feeding, and setting limits. In my experience, nursing the second time around was so much easier.

Transition Smoothly

With two kids you will definitely need to streamline your life. Set a systematic schedule for chores, shopping and errands. I really can’t imagine how a laissez faire approach can work.

When it comes to kids, you’ll find that setting and sticking to routines is key. As soon as you can, get your new baby on a regular nap and bedtime schedule; everyone will be in a better mood. Eventually, both kids will go to bed around the same time and eat regular meals together, which will make your life a lot easier.

A few more important tips:

Spend one-on-one time with each child. Set aside time for just hanging out with one kid at a time. This was especially helpful with my older son. He hardly felt like his sister was taking his mom away from him.

Indulge in date night. One night a week mom and dad deserve to spend some time together without the kids. It’s good for your marriage and sanity. You’ll take better care of your kids if you’re happy.

I laugh at myself now recalling those panic-stricken tear-filled days when I was surprised to find out baby number two was on it’s way. Today I consider my baby girl to be the best surprise ever.

Siblings determine development more than we realize.

A United Press International (UPI) report on a new study that highlights how influential siblings are in a shaping a child’s growth into a well-adjusted adult. US researchers say, parental influence on a child’s development has always been vital. But apparently, brothers or sisters can make or break us as well.

Laurie Kramer, a professor of applied family studies at the University of Illinois said parents are better at teaching the social niceties of more formal settings — such as how to act in public, how not to embarrass oneself at the dinner table, etc. However, siblings are better role models of the more informal behaviors such as how to act at school or on the street or, perhaps most important, how to act cool around friends. To some extent this can be even more important than mastering the formal niceties.

“Siblings are closer to the social environments that children find themselves in during the majority of their day, which is why it’s important not to overlook the contributions that they make on who we end up being,” Kramer says in a statement. “We know that having a positive relationship with siblings is related to a whole host of better outcomes for teenagers and adults.”

The researchers add that the same holds true for other behaviors as well. There is great value in older children setting good examples. For example, a female teen is at higher risk for getting pregnant if her older sister was a teenage mother. 

Kramer and Katherine J. Conger of the University of California at Davis co-edited a volume on siblings for a recent issue of the journal New Directions for Child and Adolescent Development. So yes, an older sibling does set the tone for the younger ones too!

As parents we can play an active role in fostering good sibling relationships. The sooner we start, the better. Even if your kids are still at the toddler and baby stage! In a previous post on sibling rivalry, we had already given strategies to handle the typical brother and sister issues that crop up among young kids. Conflicts between brothers and sisters are inevitable, but these should provide positive learning experiences for your kids. Letting them sort it out is great practice for dealing with everyone else outside the home.

How far should we go in helping our kids settle their conflicts?

She’s ruining my life! My son melodramatically complains about his younger sister. She had accidentally knocked over the LEGO space station he was working on. I don’t like you! Not sharing! are some lines I hear from the girl when she’s not getting something she wants from her big brother.

Most of the time, the siblings enjoy each other’s company. A few times, they’ve shown concern for each other enough to make my heart melt. But even in the best of sibling relationships, rivalry inevitably comes into play.

Experts say, it is crucial to handle this properly because hostile siblings can be just as damaging as bad parents. Yikes! So how do I promote good sibling dynamics between my big boy and my little girl? Read more to see what advice I had gathered.

Children instinctually measure themselves against peers. For instance, it’s not about how fast they run but who got to finish first. They are extra sensitive about how they fare within the family. This is why a cardinal rule among many experts is, avoid comparing. It’s important to establish form the get-go that each person – each sibling – has their own strengths. No one is better than the other, we are just different from each other. Making comparisons can ruin self-esteem for the child who isn’t doing as well. It is also not an effective motivator in the long run.

Mom and dad should model a good relationship to help set the tone for how siblings deal with each other. People don’t always agree, but there are positive ways to deal with differences. It’s okay to show parental discord, just skip the screaming, door slamming and insults. Show them the fine art of compromise and negotiation.

They’re already at it. What do I do?

As much as possible, don’t intervene. The only time to get involved is when there is threat of physical harm or verbal abuse. Frequent interventions can lead to problems. Kids may end up relying on you to solve every challenge – when they should be learning how to figure things out on their own. You risk siding with one child or breaking cardinal rule no. 1 – no comparing. Resentment could build. On the other hand, another child may feel unnecessarily emboldened.

If you have to get involved, consider the following:

If you hear bad language or name-calling, coach your kids to be careful with their words. Without getting into the details of the tiff, just flat out say that you will not tolerate name-calling or harsh language – from anyone. Same goes with hitting. When it comes to young children, you may have to teach them appropriate words to use. Stop, that hurts. I worked hard for that so I’m upset you knocked it over. It was an accident. I didn’t mean to upset you.

Even in instances like this, let them resolve the crisis themselves. Don’t expect this to happen instantly, it will take time for them to process.

If tempers become too hot, consider separating kids until they cool down. They can resolve the conflict later, when strong emotions are out of the way.

Avoid putting too much focus on who’s to blame. Anyone who’s embroiled in a fight, is part of the fight. They’re all responsible for working on a resolution.

When kids work on these conflict resolutions they are learning vital life skills – how to look at other perspectives, how to compromise and negotiate, and how to control their impulses. It may be hard for some of us parents, but this actually involves letting them go. I just tell myself, a little letting-go now can mean I can completely let go later, with more confidence in their life skills.

I’m going to be a super big brother!

Mom and dad are usually caught up with preparations for the new baby. Parents may even be overwhelmed. But don’t forget, future big brother or big sister is going to face major changes too. There are a few things we can do to help them along this major transition.

News of my being pregnant with Baby No. 2 came as a surprise. Dad-to-be was ecstatic. But in my case, the unexpected development threw me off. Baby No. 1 wasn’t even 2-years-old yet… here we go again! Maybe hormones were already to blame, but tears were shed and some anxiety set in.

I realize that I was most anxious because of my first child. How would he handle sharing all our love and attention with a sibling? I turned to books and google for advice. I learned a few things and eventually embraced pregnancy no. 2 along with soon to be big brother.

First, realize that it is common for an older sibling to feel jealous of a new baby. They can act up in reaction to changes at home brought about by the coming of a new family member. To ease this transition, make your older child part of the preparations. Talk about coming changes and make them something to look forward to. Here are a few things that helped us:

Read toddler-appropriate books about becoming a big sibling. My son loved Best Ever Big Brother by Karen Katz (there’s a Big Sister version) and The New Baby by Fred Rogers. These books showed him what to expect and how to deal with the changes positively. The Mr. Rogers’ book was great, because it acknowledged that part of the experience may be difficult, but for the most part being a big brother can be fulfilling.

Talk to your child about the experience and make it relevant to his life. We showed him his old baby pictures and told him about how we prepared for his birth – just like we’re doing for his sister now. We told him that his little sister will also be born in the hospital like him and she would have to breast feed like he used to. I remember telling him that with him around there would be another person to help in taking care of the baby. This seemed to make him feel important… and relevant to our new family situation.

Visit friends with babies. Taking him over to a friend’s home who had just given birth to twins got him excited about having a new addition to our own brood. On a practical level, there’s nothing like showing a real, actual newborn. The twins would also visit us at home and we’d even let him “carry” them to practice for his little sister.

Get them involved. We made him help pack the baby’s clothes for the hospital. I took him to the toy store to pick out a welcome gift – a teddy bear he was to give her for their first meeting. Then I got him to choose his own new toy – a token of appreciation for being so helpful in preparing for the new baby.

Stick to routines. As much as possible, we worked to keep a sense of normalcy. It’s always a good idea to stick to your toddler’s daily routine as much as possible, but this sense of security becomes even more important during times of transition. Sticking to regular bedtime, story telling, playing and eating schedules can go a long way in making them feel that “there’s another baby coming, but this is still the home I know.”

All in the Family

Now, you will even see sibling prep classes along with birthing classes. This may help you as well. Again, it’s all about making your big sibling part of the family – and not left out by the baby.

When the younger one finally came, I took time off from baby care to have “dates” with my son. Just him and I in his favorite pancake house. Sometimes it would just be him and his Dad. Just to let him know he can still get our undivided attention.

At home, we would let him hold her and gently make her go up and down on her bouncy chair. He also loved getting down on the floor with her on her play mat.  Almost 4 years later, brother and sister enjoy each other’s company – at least most of the time. The siblings do love each other, though there are days when sibling rivalry rears itself…. Now that’s something for a future post!