Talk to me please!

I ask my 5-year-old son how was school today? Do I get a long answer about his latest science investigation? How about a detailed account of the playground drama for the day? Nope. Apparently, getting your child to talk with you entails refining our communication approach.

Dr. Atilla Ceranoglu is a child psychiatrist at Harvard Medical School and an expert in parent-child communication. She emphasizes how important it is to have satisfying conversations with your child — as soon as your child learns to speak. “Talking to children from early on keeps both child and parent attuned to one another. It is solid preparation for the more stormy, tumultuous days of adolescence,” explains Dr. Ceranoglu.

But have you had exchanges like these with your preschooler?

You: How was school?
Child: Fine.

You: How’s your new teacher?
Child: Okay… Can I watch TV now?

Now before you take those stunted responses personally, examine possible reasons. My son can talk to me at length about many of his interests, but I am particularly frustrated about how he holds-off about his school day.

Then I read the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber. Faber made me realize that all kids need downtime after school. All that learning and playground drama can be exhausting. After a grueling day, you just want to kick off your shoes and relax before getting into a discussion about what happened at work. Sometimes, resting from work entails not talking about it too. The same goes for children – some personality types more than others.

Now I spark better conversations with him about school during dinner when he’s rested — and more receptive. I also ask him specific questions — What did you play in outdoors? Who was in your team? Which work area did you choose for today? What book did teacher read to you? What was it about? Our dinner chats have been more interesting lately.

If we want to our kids to tell us more about how their day was, “how was your day?” is actually the question we should avoid. It just begs for a standard one-word answer like “fine” or “okay.” Remember, kids are not little adults. Dr. Ceranoglu offers more advice on how to talk to our little ones:

Do things with your child. Create opportunities to take part in activities your child loves — swimming, playing board games or just hanging out at the park. If your child is still hesitant to talk, be patient. Dr. Ceranoglu says, “Bear the silence. Even if you were fishing for a good half hour in silence, know that there is a lot more being accomplished than if you were chasing your child in words. You are giving your child the strongest message in the loudest way: You are there and will be there when that silence breaks.”

Instead of questions, throw thoughts. Instead of asking, “Did that hurt your feelings?” try saying, “Wow, that would have hurt my feelings.” That gives your child a chance to respond without being put on the defensive. Also, you’ll get more mileage out of simple listening sounds like “hmm” or “huh,” because they reflect an understanding of the child’s concerns better than questions, Ceranoglu says.

Meet them at their level. Dr. Ceranoglu says this is especially important for toddlers and preschoolers. For younger children, it often helps to kneel down to their height and talk or play with them face-to-face. If your child is frustrated trying to communicate something, help him out by naming and acknowledge his feelings: “That is sad! It was your favorite toy.”

What makes them so sensitive, can also make them do so well.

As a baby, my son couldn’t stand the sound of the vacuum cleaner. A noisy blender would scare him to tears. When he was 2-years-old, I thought all kids loved carousels so I took him for a ride. He hated it. He wailed and begged to get off even if he was on my lap as we were riding a coach. Every strange noise, every new experience was met with trepidation.

My daughter was a bit different. Strange sounds were met more with curiosity than fear, but she was even more clingy than her also-clingy big brother. She was adventurous in the play ground, she made friends, but before getting that way she needed a long warm-up period.

A few years later and my little neurotics are now happy, well-adjusted preschoolers. Though I do notice they are essentially still cautious, still sensitive to everything and everyone around them. Still slow to warm. I had accepted these traits as part of their nature,  although it can make parties and play dates more difficult for me. Little did I know, that such sensitive children may actually have an advantage over their more easy going, gregarious peers. At least that’s what research tells us.

Scientists believe that children who are sensitive or highly reactive to stress may actually thrive better than those who just go with the flow. But — and this is a big but — these sensitive kids only tend to do better in the right environment. If they don’t survive a bad environment growing up, these kids could be your future depressives, drug addicts and social misfits. Flip side is, if they survive, they could reach Oprah-level success.

The journal Child Development published a new study on sensitive children early this year. Observing 338 preschoolers, researchers tested how easily stressed the children got, then measured behavior and school performance.

Among sensitive kids, “harsh and restrictive parenting,” exposure to a lot of anger and fighting, and family financial problems indicated a dip in social skills. The other sensitive kids in happy homes? They fared well. So well that they did much better than their easy-going counterparts. Highly-reactive kids who were well-nurtured had the highest rates of sharing, helping and initiating friendships. They also had the highest academic gains in school.

The calm kids who faced challenges with less stress were more resilient when there was trouble at home. For these children, school and social success was average across the board.

This latest study highlights new terminology being used among developmental psychologists — that some kids are dandelions, some are orchids. Dandelions are hardy and can grow well almost anywhere. Orchids can thrive beautifully, but with the right care.

How would you classify your own child? Let’s think hard about that, so whatever kind of “flower” they may be, we can give them the kind of nurturing they need. My little theroy… all kids are orchids and dandelions in varying ways. They all need good care. Still, with a feeling my kids are orchid varieties, I’d like to be extra sensitive to their needs.

Babies need time and from Daddy too.

Babies are typically extra close to mommy. My husband was the first to notice that our days-old newborn would respond to my voice more than anyones else’s. It’s the sound she’d hear most often inside my uterus! Then there’s the breast feeding which truly does seal an almost mystical bond between mother and child.

But what about Daddy? Dads, don’t be afraid. Tiny as she is… she won’t break. So take every chance you can get hold her, take care of some baby duties… and just enjoy that bundle of joy. Mommies already have natural advantages to earn baby’s affections. But dads can step up their baby-game too. We’ll tell you how.

So how do you show your baby the world does not just revolve around mommy? You may not be baby’s personal milk bar, but you can be so much more. Here are our suggestions for some good daddy-and-me-time:

Daddy Cuddles

When mom is breast feeding notice how she cuddles baby close to her chest, as she gazes into her eyes? When you get the chance to bottle-feed, make sure to hold baby in the same position, allowing her to gaze up at you. Smile and make her touch your face.

When baby is upset and crying it’s easy to just hand her to mommy. If you know she’s not hungry, take a shot at calming her yourself. Try singing to her, walking her around, gently rocking, or find the pacifier for her to suck on. She must learn that mommy isn’t the only one who can give her what she needs.

Daddy Fun

You can be the fun and funny guy. Make silly faces that will make your baby glow with a smile. Babies love silly faces. As your baby gets older try fun games like peekaboo.

Are you a music lover? Play your favorite tunes and carry baby while dancing to the beat. Skip the heavy metal rock and blaring volume though. Babies love rhythmic motion and music, so play her your jazz or pop or indie rock tunes for some happy dance time.

Daddy Night Shift

You might be gone the whole day for work so take daddy-diaper duty at night. Take charge of feeding, bathing or getting baby dressed for bed — any night time care required — so you become an important part of the little one’s day too. While mom catches up on extra sleep, you might want to take charge of that extra night feeding or soothing baby when she’s fussy at night.

A consistent bedtime schedule is very important to helping your baby sleep through the night. Choose a part of the routine you want to be involved in — like bath or story time. Yup, even babies can enjoy books if they like the pictures and how you deliver the words. This will help baby understand that when Dad says its bath time or story time, it will be bedtime soon too.

Daddy Nightingale

When your baby gets sick it’s important for you to care for her as well — so take a day off to stay home with baby once in a while. Try to go to baby well checkups, so you can hear from the doctor how she’s developing and growing.

Take Daddy-and-Me Walks

Babies love fresh air and relishing new sights. So take your little bundle for a stroll around the block or to the park. Try using a sling or carrier instead of the stroller. This will keep baby close to you throughout the walk. Just be sure baby is slathered in sunscreen if it’s hot outside and bundled up if it’s a little chilly.

Play Time Just With Dad

Set aside time every day or night just play with your little girl. Make it part of her daily routine, so she looks forward to regular daddy time. Little girls and boys need lots of time and affection from daddy too!

Creative ways to show them how to play give and take.

That’s mine! Give it to me! No, not for her! If you have a toddler you’ve probably heard those lines often enough. Toddlers are notoriously self-centered. Sharing is something they still need to learn. Developmental experts say, the concept of giving really becomes clear at around age 5. But there are some ways to show younger kids basic rules for give and take, paving the way for a good sharing attitude in the future.

Show Them How

Kids learn best from what they see day-to-day. So let your toddler see you in the act of sharing. If you’re eating a sandwich, offer him a bite. Having your favorite smoothie? Offer a sip. You and your husband should often model the art of give and take as well — whether it’s taking turns choosing what movie to watch or sharing space in the bathroom.

Special Things

Even as adults we have certain possessions we are extra careful with — special books or heirloom dishes we inherited from dear grandma that we don’t loan to friends. Well, allow your toddler to have a few special objects too. Perhaps his tattered lovey bear? Maybe the new princess doll she got for her birthday? Don’t force your child to share a few objects that obviously mean a lot. Do make sure that whatever it is, it should be set aside during a play date. All other toys in the playroom are to share, the special things stay in the closet until the other kids leave.

Bring Out The Timer

I have two kids at home who at one time were toddlers together! My best friend for settling power struggles on who gets to play with the hot toy of the moment? Our kitchen timer. It was great for teaching them the basic rule of taking turns — “you play with it for 10 minutes each, when the timer goes off it’s your sister’s turn.”

Give to Charity

Holidays or birthdays are the perfect time to talk to your children about sharing with others less fortunate. Get them involved in giving to a children’s shelter toy collection or a coat drive where your child can donate some of her own toys or clothes that are no longer in use. Or you can have her pick out a few new toys to buy that will be donated to charity.

Role-Play

If your toddler often says no when asked to share, try a little role reversal. Get down on the floor for some playtime then, when your little one asks for something — the yellow block or a turn banging on the toy drums — say no. When he gets upset, talk to him about how he feels and how he wouldn’t want to make his friends feel the same way. Next time you’re at a playdate and he hesitates to share… remind him of that incident.

Praise the Positive

We spend so much time telling our kids to behave, it’s easy to forget to acknowledge them when they do something right – sharing included. Positively reinforce their good behavior. You see your son share his loot of candy with his sister, tell him: “You made your sister happy by giving her some of your candy. I love seeing you sharing with each other.”

Finally, sharing is also honed by practice… so let your child play with other kids. Time at the playground or play date sessions are rife with learning moments to teach them the nuances of give-and-take.

They’re not my kids, should I tell them how to behave?

Disciplining another person’s child is treading on shaky ground. We don’t want to offend a child’s parents, but there are times when we need to step in. Dr. Michelle Borba, author of the book No More Misbehavin’: 38 Difficult Behaviors and How to Stop Them assures us, “it’s not intruding on another parent’s turf when you’re protecting your own child.” However, let’s lay some guidelines for responding to another parent’s misbehaving tyke.

Oh the play date gone bad…. Your 4-year-old daughter’s friend bosses her around during dress-up, grabs all the toys, doesn’t know how to take turns, then refuses to help pack away. Perhaps, the boys who came over pushed around your 5-year old son and played rough? You might be tempted to put the offending child in a time-out or send him home.

Your house, your consequences, right? Well, yes, but restrain yourself — maybe your little guest is just having a bad day. Make your house rules clear (”we take turns, and everyone must pack away after playing”). Try offering a reward (”When you’re done packing away, we’ll have cookies and lemonade”).

If she still won’t play nicely, you might try having the kids play separately for a while and see whether that helps. Steer clear of time-outs unless you’ve gotten the mom’s permission to give one. Even then, save it for more disruptive behavior, such as when a child is throwing toys or being defiant or too rough.

If necessary, ask if she’d like you to call her mother to see whether she has any suggestions – the mere threat might change her behavior. Be up-front about the problems at pickup: “We were having a little trouble with getting along and sharing today.”

Do note that In most cases, a young visitor will want to win your approval. I have hosted many play dates and usually the kids behave if we set some ground rules and offer a gentle reminder when needed.

When someone misbehaves, I talk to them at eye level and treat them with respect. Kids know when they’re being dealt with fairly, and they’ll usually cooperate in return. They also eventually realize, being disruptive can ruin everyone’s fun!

Say hello — and welcome — to that imaginary friend.

My friend Irene has an invisible younger daughter named Turtle. Before you think my friend is crazy, consider the back story. She’s given birth only once — to a very imaginative 3-year-old real-life daughter named Emma. In Emma’s mind she has a younger sister she named Turtle. Turtle goes with them everywhere and she also likes cornflakes and bananas just like her older sister Emma.

Once upon a time, imaginary friends were considered a cause for concern. These days, research tells us quite the opposite. Children with pretend-friends and who can conjure elaborate make believe worlds have a promising future of learning and social development.

Australian researchers say, having an imaginary friend can help a child learn. Psychologist Dr. Evan Kidd of Melbourne’s La Trobe University, says children with imaginary friends are better at learning to communicate than other children because they have a lot of practice at inventing interactions with their friends, which helps them improve their conversational skills.

Dr. Kidd and his colleague Anna Roby explored the hidden world of imaginary companions in a study which involved 44 children, 22 of which had imaginary friends in an attempt to understand the benefits.

The study found that the 22 children who had imaginary friends were better able to get their point across than were children of the same age who did not have an imaginary friend. Dr. Kidd explains, these children are in charge of both sides of the conversation so have a lot of practice at inventing interactions between their imaginary friends and themselves. Firing up their imagination this way is what facilitates the development of their conversational skills.

The researchers also discovered that children with an invisible friend or a personified toy had a better social understanding. These children were generally first born and were very creative.

Dr. Kidd says the phenomenon of the imaginary friend is really misunderstood and people think it is rare and something to worry about. But past studies have shown that around 65% of children aged between three and nine, had imaginary friends. These imaginary characters are not typically conjured out of loneliness or social adjustment problems. Most of the time, imaginary friends appear as an essential component of normal development.

Dr. Kidd has established in his research that the benefits of imaginary companions are long lasting. A study of university students showed that those who recalled having an imaginary companion in childhood were more creative, more achievement oriented, and more emotionally responsive than students who didn’t have one.

Now, there is no need for you to force your child into making up her own fantasy playmate. What studies like this tell us is that pretend play and imagination should be encouraged in order to develop young minds. In the book Nurtureshock, writers Po Bronson and Ashley Merriman featured a preschool program that relied heavily on pretend play. The program produced children that did exceptionally well academically. They were also better-behaved.

My kids don’t have imaginary friends. But I know that while my son is creating scenarios with his Lego blocks and while my daughter is talking to herself while “hanging out with Charlie Bucket in a birthday party”, they are both flexing their brain muscles. So I let them have their fantasies and sometimes even join in! A child’s imagination is a very powerful thing.

The importance of little friends.

We all need friends — they enrich our lives, they make us laugh, they’re part of our good memories and we look forward to the future because they’ll be around. Toddlers and preschoolers also need their lives to be touched by friends. And not just for fun and acting silly together! Friendships are young children’s first foray into social interactions that are rich in learning opportunities.

Mary Lynch, a child and family development specialist in Florida explains, “Every interaction, wether the children are meeting for the first time or the friends are playing a taking-turns game offers an opportunity for social learning.”

One example, toddlers who don’t show an interest in toilet training until they see their friends mastering the task. Another example: A friend of mine had a toddler who refused to feed himself. He loved hanging out with my son, who was about the same age as him and who was already self-feeding. So we let them eat dinner together… and voila, my friend’s son tried eating on his own in their next dinner playdate!

Experts also say it is important for a child’s social learning to experience initiating play, maintaining interactions and cultivating friendships without mom or dad’s interference.

But parents do play a major role in giving kids the opportunity to build their own friendships. When they start preschool, pay attention the the names you often hear. Which schoolmates do they often mention? Whoever it is, that’s a clue this child has sparked an interest in your preschooler. If in case your child doesn’t mention any names, just ask: Who did you play with today? or Who do you want come over here to play?

If your child takes to a certain schoolmate, extend the opportunity to develop their friendship outside school. Get to know the new friend’s parents and see if they’re open to setting up a play date. Same with kids your child may gravitate to in  your neighborhood or the nearby park. Encourage those budding alliances.

To me, EQ (the Emotional Quotient) is more important than IQ. The people who know how to get along well with others are the ones who lead happier lives. And so I encourage my own kids to hang out in the playground and have after school play dates with their favorite classmates. I believe that can do tremendous things for their social and emotional growth.

Everything they need to learn, they’ll learn in a good kindergarten.

I know… every parent seems to love the preschool their kids are in. Of course, it validates a decision they made! But if you’re shopping around for schools, maybe my personal reasons for choosing my kids’ preschool may resonate with your own parenting philosophy.

Recently, I was interviewed by a fellow writer for an article she’s doing on why parents choose to send kids to progressive schools.  Had to put some thought to it so, might as well share them with you! Maybe you’ll get some ideas on choosing the right preschool for your child.

When you set out looking for a school for your child, did you have a list of qualities and abilities you wanted to see developed in him–certain developmental goals? What are these developmental goals, and why are they important?

For preschool, I was looking for an environment that encouraged imagination, curiosity and a love for learning. Socialization — making friends, learning to share, being polite — also very important. All You Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten type of stuff.

I’m the kind of parent who thinks a child who is pressured to read or write early can actually develop a negative attitude towards school and authentic learning. I say authentic, to differentiate it from rote learning — which is just memorizing a bunch of stuff for a test.

Both my kids go to a progressive school using the Bank Street approach. My goals? Honing creativity and critical thinking. Kids these days face a more challenging world that demands more out-of-the-box thinking.

I also love that the school’s program is rooted in “the principles of inquiry and social justice” — as they describe their philosophy. They also care about their students’ emotional growth. Lot’s of nice, happy kids there! EQ is just as important as IQ . Cynics may not believe this, but I have not heard of any bullying going on there — in lower school to upper school. I admit to snooping around from other parents! The class sizes are small, there’s a lot of collaborative work, teachers and coordinators know all their students so I think these contribute to making them good at dealing with others.

Can you give a few, very specific examples of activities and teaching methods that you feel hit right at the heart of what you want developed in your child?

My 5-year old son loves school. He reads above his level, he declares he loves math. He can be quite a talker. But, all of a sudden something doesn’t come easy for him — and he struggles with his handwriting. Suddenly, Mr. Verbose becomes short and “pithy” during Writer’s Workshop (where they have to journal or make original short stories accompanied by their own words and drawings).

So he gets extra homework from his teacher. One time, the assignment was to write a thank you letter to a friend, then next time it was a sorry letter. In most schools a boy with handwriting issues will probably be asked to copy a sentence in a black board again and again and again. In my son’s case, they put meaning into his handwriting practice by coming up with his own thoughts for a letter. Then the letters have significance because they were written for some of his dearest friends. When he wrote his letters and I had to look over them, we ended up having a great talk about his friends — have some laughs and revelations as a bonus. I loved that.

And these are just some of the reasons why we love school. Hope you find one to fall in love with.

Siblings determine development more than we realize.

A United Press International (UPI) report on a new study that highlights how influential siblings are in a shaping a child’s growth into a well-adjusted adult. US researchers say, parental influence on a child’s development has always been vital. But apparently, brothers or sisters can make or break us as well.

Laurie Kramer, a professor of applied family studies at the University of Illinois said parents are better at teaching the social niceties of more formal settings — such as how to act in public, how not to embarrass oneself at the dinner table, etc. However, siblings are better role models of the more informal behaviors such as how to act at school or on the street or, perhaps most important, how to act cool around friends. To some extent this can be even more important than mastering the formal niceties.

“Siblings are closer to the social environments that children find themselves in during the majority of their day, which is why it’s important not to overlook the contributions that they make on who we end up being,” Kramer says in a statement. “We know that having a positive relationship with siblings is related to a whole host of better outcomes for teenagers and adults.”

The researchers add that the same holds true for other behaviors as well. There is great value in older children setting good examples. For example, a female teen is at higher risk for getting pregnant if her older sister was a teenage mother. 

Kramer and Katherine J. Conger of the University of California at Davis co-edited a volume on siblings for a recent issue of the journal New Directions for Child and Adolescent Development. So yes, an older sibling does set the tone for the younger ones too!

As parents we can play an active role in fostering good sibling relationships. The sooner we start, the better. Even if your kids are still at the toddler and baby stage! In a previous post on sibling rivalry, we had already given strategies to handle the typical brother and sister issues that crop up among young kids. Conflicts between brothers and sisters are inevitable, but these should provide positive learning experiences for your kids. Letting them sort it out is great practice for dealing with everyone else outside the home.

Encourage her to come out on her own.

When my daughter was 2-years-old, smiling or waving at new people was never a problem. Then just a year later, the outgoing tot turned inward preschooler. At home, she was still as chatty and exuberant as ever. But in public, she turns into clam and I become her shell. She would hide behind me, holding my hand like her life depended on it.  What happened? Could I be doing something wrong to turn my child into a bonafide introvert?

Dr. William Sears, beloved American pediatrician and child advocate has an explanation. He says, “Around age two, many children are spontaneous. They act before they think, especially in social relations. Between two and four years of age, children go through a second phase of stranger anxiety, as they become afraid of people they don’t know.”

Despite the fact that this is a normal developmental phase for some children, parents can’t help but worry – Is my child just shy, or is there a more serious problem?

Dr. Sears says, there is a simple way you can tell. “A shy child with healthy self-worth makes eye-to-eye contact, is polite, and seems happy with herself. She is just quiet. Her behavior is generally good; she is a nice child to be around, and people are comfortable in her presence.”

So since my daughter doesn’t behave like a clam all throughout her day, and is generally open with other people she is familiar with… I have reason to think the shy moments are just some of the things she has to learn to overcome, in time.  Now how do we coax the shy out of our little introverts?

First rule espoused by many experts is, do not label your child shy. You and your quiet one may be at a party and you blurt out to friendly folk who can’t get her to talk “Oh she’s really shy!” This only reinforces her behavior. For some kids, such statements might make them think there is something wrong with them.

Instead, talk to your child about what she does and coach her how to behave. Here’s a script provided by the authors of the book Positive Discipline. “I notice that when people say ‘hello,’ you hide. Do you do that because you think it’s a game, or do you do that because you want them to leave you alone? If you would like them to leave you alone, perhaps you could tell them ‘I don’t feel like answering questions right now.’ ”

Children in the toddler and preschool years still have a lot to learn when it comes to social behavior. Teach them, and in time they will get the hang of it. Now teaching them doesn’t mean putting on the pressure. Forcing them into situations they aren’t ready for, will only make them pull back. For instance, don’t force them to perform in front of other people. This can only make them more anxious!

Keep social interactions at home positive and eventually what she learns there she can apply in the playground or at school. Give your “shy child” opportunities to mix with other kids and adults, but never push her to be an instant social butterfly. Again, this takes time and patience is key.

We should also understand that being the quiet one in a group is not necessarily a bad thing. Most so-called “shy ones”, are just keen observers and listeners – and deep thinkers. They can turn out to be wonderful people whom the boisterous ones could learn a thing or two from.

Come to think of it, my little  girl – at the tender age of three – can surprise me with some of her observations and opinions. So I let her be if she’s not feeling chatty at a party. One day, I’m thinking she can be the life of the dinner table discussion, when she’s good and ready.